I'm on vacation as well at the moment which is lovely but I'm not getting writing time. This is a very short vacation though so I'm accepting that sometimes writing can't happen.
I'm frustrated because a) I don't know how this book I'm working on ends b) I've got 3 or 4 short stories that are half-way through first drafts and I don't like them and I'm not even sure why c) I'm editing several short stories that are complete rough drafts but now I don't like them and d) I've gone backwards on my book and am attempting to outline it because it's taken a left turn at the crossroads when I thought we were going right. I usually love that as I write my stories take on lives of their own and go to unexpected places. I often find myself somewhere unexpected and wonderful but it's really ticking me off on this book. There are a lot of points that all need to be interwoven. I can't just suddenly end up in Pismo Beach like Bugs Bunny, nothing will make sense! So in an attempt to reel my mind in I'm trying to outline it. This has been both fun and frustrating so far. Doing mind maps and figuring out all the connections is great and easy as I'm a highly visual person however I seem to be stuck on what happens after the middle. That thing called the end - no clue what it is.
I've outlined what I've written currently, not the original story that I was going to write. I've decided that I like where the story started going even though it has little relationship to what I initially envisioned however, I knew how the original story ended and how everything wove together. I shouldn't say that. I should say that I had an idea of how they did but since it wasn't on paper, it was more of an amorphous idea of how everything interrelated.
Essentially, this is my "pant'sing" problem. It's easy for me to pants a short story but there are just too many threads for this to work in a novel. This is a recurring issue for me - Iv'e got several book projects partially completed and dying on my computer because I got stuck. This attempt at outlining is my latest attempt to push through and finish a book before I pull out all of my hair. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know many people have this problem - safety in numbers. Then why do I still feel like a tiger is eyeing my juicy flank? I bet this is when Raymond Carver started drinking.
To work around this I have been focusing on poetry and short fiction so that my head doesn't explode. When I feel patient and non-judgmental with myself I play with the mind map and write POV scenes for the characters to try to figure out where they want to go. Mostly, I'm working on short stories and poetry.
My real worry is that the story will suck because I haven't done justice to it either by writing it well or by honoring my characters. When you write don't you fall in love in some way with your characters and want them to live the life that they deserve on paper? That's my fear that I won't successfully accomplish this. Of course since the characters are products of my own head, by inference I worry that I won't honor myself with the words that I put down. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who feels this one either.
"The tongue of man is a twisty thing, there are plenty of words there of every kind."
- Homer
