Let yourself suck at writing and embrace being a beginner

Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public.

– Winston Churchill

 I remind myself that I need to let myself suck at writing every time I hear some writer (usually on twitter #amwriting) say, "I just wrote 35 thousand words and I've got another 2 thousand planned out for this evening" and because I am not made of  Italian marble that lets everything roll of it, I think "Jeebus, I've never written that much in a day. How did I ever think that I could possibly do this. I suck!!" 

This is part of the reason I hate word counts. They make me feel like there must be something completely wrong with me because I can't do that. I then have to remind myself, yes, I can't do that now. I'm a beginner. If I continue to write maybe some day I will be able to do that. Maybe, but maybe not.

I'm working on my first book which will probably suck and that's okay, because I am a beginner. If it is only ever read by my wife because she loves me and I get to torture her consequently, that is okay. Because the next book or short story will be better from what I learned writing the first book.

We writers are often perfectionists, I certainly am. I want the exact right words to flow out of me like water, I want to always know where this story is going, I want pats on the back and permission to feel complete because I did it perfectly. I wrote the perfect sentence, short story, or book and everyone loves it because I am awesome. I've been working on the idea of giving myself permission to feel complete even if I don't get the exact right words, even if the story doesn't make sense in the first draft (the number of writers who do not write a shitty first draft is infinitesimally low according to my non-scientific survey of authors who have written about their writing processes) and I rewrite it ten times and although it's better it still isn't perfect. I have to consciously tell myself, "that's okay, next time will be better". I encourage you to do give this to yourself as well, whether it comes up for you while writing or trying to learn to play the guitar or at work. There is this toxic concept in our society that being perfect is healthy, it's not. What's healthy is to let yourself screw up and learn from it without judgement. Do this for yourself, do this for your family, do this for your coworkers and we'd all get along better and be more at peace with what we do.

There is a concept in Zen buddhism called shoshin which basically means beginner's mind. It's the idea that as a beginner we are open to the possibilities, we are untainted by experience and can try any old damn thing we please without preconceived ideas of how it will or will not work. I recommend for the new year that regardless of your level of writing experience you aim for shoshin - be a beginner. Being a beginner is actually a good thing.